TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, the town historically known for historical tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be tremendous. Great!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed through the putting green inside Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the greatest. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and completely away from place. Intended by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable h2o. But Of course, absolutely sure, let us have A further put the place American men can dress in robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When previous negotiations failed underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: offer you Everybody a collection on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is gentle power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats and more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each and every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It's that he should stop using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the venture, replied, "You understand, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Excellent tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping types an enormous Trump head noticeable from space, a function staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents along with the chin is… nicely, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after acquiring the setting up's gold plating mirrored so much Trump Tower Damascus sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It can be not merely unsightly. It is a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Perplexing Attributes


Probably the strangest aspect of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where visitors may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, total with weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Community Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Strategy: "In case you Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"


The advert marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Permanently."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "where by's the closest elevator into the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is currently attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will also include things like:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to check out a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a lodge where by my PTSD might have switch-down company."


A different put up from @KuwaitiKardashian only questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports propose:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to create a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Final Ideas through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It required gold. It essential a waterslide shaped such as the Structure. I gave it all a few. You're welcome."

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